Seaming

My CNF piece for a literary mag (Philadelphia Stories) is being republished for their 15th anniversary! if you’re in the philly or NJ area, you can get the mag for free! TW for mental health, abuse, suicide mention. take care of yourselves, lovelies 🥰

The piece is called Seaming, and is in equal parts a reflection of my complicated relationship with mental illness and my complicated relationship with my mother.

You can read it here. Please comment below if you have any thoughts on the piece! I’d love to know what you think.

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unwanted eulogy; killer grief

achem— ok—

he had a good taste in music,
so songs
are ruined
now.

every tune
reminds me
of him. 

he had a good laugh, too.
              i fought to hear it
              more               often               than               not.
                                                                i remember that day
                                                                he admitted
                                                                he never laughed
anymore.
                            i made an internal promise
                            to force it out of him.

              it is as healthy to laugh as it is to cry,
but there has to be a balance between the two.

Excuse me, you can’t be here—

in recent weeks
i have become a record               broken.
skipping on the same beat.
                                          there is some song,
                                                        some poem,
                                          stuck in my head.
some magical way to rid myself of this grief.
my chest burns with sorrow in a way
i cannot                            extinguish.
                                                        believe me, i’ve tried. 

You have no right to talk about him—

i have nothing else to think on
than his untimely passing
from my life.
                            sweet person,
                            kind hearted.
              you held me in your arms
              that night i cried without reason.
                            i have several reasons now,
                            several words i’d like to
rescind
              but cannot manage to.
              you were so gentle, so—

And yet you smothered him to death!  

[20:37]

August 10th, 2018

this is quite possibly my most important tattoo. it is positioned directly behind my “be present.” tattoo, because behind my mantra to always be mindful in every moment is my bipolar disorder. the sun: the highs; the moon: the lows. and, of course, my favourite constellation Cassiopeia, cursed for her vanity by the gods and forced to spend all eternity tied upside down in a chair with a mirror in her hand. some days i feel cursed, punished by the universe or god or many gods at once. this tattoo is always with me, even on days (like with my disorder) that i forget it’s there. it is my struggle. but more than that: it is me. it is a holistic representation of who i am. because, though i try every moment to be present and aware i am fighting a battle every second of my life. and i have to be aware and accepting of that, too. as i (in real time) speed toward mania, i have to remind myself of my life worth living goals. i have to work harder than ever to remain level, and grounded. but simultaneously: i am also amongst the stars. like Cassiopeia. i will always, always fight for a better and healthier life and i will always, always, make the best out of the absolute worst. in anycase, your support is appreciated. thank you to everyone.