i have been seeking
in all the wrong places
i have been peeking under rocks
and digging in barren dirt

my heart was an open blade
six inches too long
when you came along
i told you i didn’t know
how to bring it in

but a year has passed
and your hand is still on my door
and waiting to be let in


for the weary

we begin as small balls of clay,
with gentle hands
and a warm touch,
with our hearts planted
firmly on our sleeves
and a smile wider
than the widest canyon

we begin as soft sponges,
absorbing the world around us
filled to the brim
with the water of emotion
with minds capable
of dreaming up anything

we begin as constellations,
a blank page
ready to be mapped
ready to be made
into music

somewhere along the way
begins the first shattering
the first door slammed
the first back turned, unmoving
the first losses
the first mourning

somewhere along the way
some sooner than others
learn their heroes have turned to dust,
have left them behind,
have left them to live
on their own

somewhere along the way
the world teaches us to build
stone walls around our heart
that emotion is weakness
that it is wrong
to fall apart

somewhere along the way
children become adults
far too soon

starting over

i fell backwards into oblivion,
i let your hands take my soul,
my words were erased
by your touch
i cannot think,
cannot eat,
cannot do much of anything
but you run around
with your heart and body intact
and you know nothing
of my pain

i take all my broken parts,
and i begin again

on my mountain home

i stood outside your door with an open palm
and a smile on my face
i said, look i found your favourite flowers
one and three were clenched together tightly in my hands
i was vibrating at a frequency you couldn’t understand
but you always said you’d love me
so i thought you wouldn’t mind
if i visited you from the highest of mountains

instead the corner of your lips turned down
and your brows were furrowed
you ask me:
when was the last time i slept?
 the last i showered? or ate?
slept? showered? ate?
showered? ate? slept?
ate? slept? showered?
and when i said i didn’t know
you told me i shouldn’t come around here anymore,
that you couldn’t listen anymore,
that i had said the same thing
six times in a row
and now i was shouting
and the neighbours can hear
and you don’t like the way they look at us
when we’re together

i thought you would like me like this
i thought we could
take over the world like this
with me, buzzing and optimistic
instead of trapped within a dark room
and shying away from any light
i thought you would like me like this
like this
like this
like this
but you’re shutting the door
and you won’t let me say goodbye

i loved you so much i would have done anything you asked,
so when you asked me to dive into the ocean
i did,
even though i was afraid
but when i asked for you to come with me
you said you wouldn’t dream of it
you wouldn’t dream of it
you said you wouldn’t dream of it

you told me i had a winter heart
that i was cold
and all i would ever be was ice, ice, ice
you said the only thing i was good for
was giving people grief
you took me apart
and pieced me back together
the way you liked best

i told you the parts didn’t fit right,
weren’t put together properly
but you smiled and said you knew best
and i,
i loved you so much,
i would have done anything you said

{an excerpt from my book of poetry, beyond rock bottom, which I’ll be giving away for free for a limited time} 


scorched earth

let us forget
for a moment
the deadlines and due dates
the responsibilities and obligations
the things we have to do
and the things we have done
let us pack up our souls
and head out into the cornfield
where we can fall to our knees
and let out the pain of a thousand centuries

let me fall to my knees
and scream in sorrow
to the time i have lost
the minutes i am losing
to a life i am not happy leading
let my wounds be cauterized
in my banshee call
let my mind be mended
let my mending be minded

i have lost years of my life
to something out of my control
i have lost happy days
and fond memories
nostalgia is a word i have only ever read
i have set fire
to each day i leave behind me
ready for a new morning
for a new birth
to begin again
i have been the phoenix
rising from its ashes
every day of my life

i have broken my bones,
shattered them,
moulded them,
into someone new
each and every day

on weeknights and weekends,
i crawl into myself,
into the flaming field within my chest,
and let myself be set ablaze,
and when the night is through,
when the new day has dawned,
i sweep away the embers,
and plaster on a blistering smile.

i have reddened with fury,
burned in passion,
in grief,
in rage,
i have checked all the marks,
of the spectrum of emotion,
and kept it tucked in my chest,
behind the mask of fully functioning
behind the mask of just fine thanks
and no it’s just i’ve slept poorly

be gentle, they say,
be kind and kindly now,
i repeat it in my mind,
like a song stuck on a single loop,
and whisper it as I’m burning my skin off,
be gentle, be kind and kindly now,
but i am a towering flame,
built only to destroy,
to eat up every molecule,
and leave behind only a foul scent
lingering in the air
kindness is something i know
only in theory
a definition i’ve read,
a script i’ve memorized,
but never felt,
never understood

see the truth,
the truth is much uglier,
much fouler,
much more vicious
than any words could ever explain,
i am littered in scars and
covered with bad intentions,
bad coping mechanisms,
bad perspectives,
and a sorry personality

i am tired of hiding,
of running,
of screaming,
of crying,
of sorry sorry sorrys
for i am tired of apologizing
on who i am
and what i have done
and who i will never be again

i am tired of explaining,
of having something to explain,
of being inexplicable,
of burning and growing in the ashes

and i am fucking tired
of being tired