scorched earth

let us forget
for a moment
the deadlines and due dates
the responsibilities and obligations
the things we have to do
and the things we have done
let us pack up our souls
and head out into the cornfield
where we can fall to our knees
and let out the pain of a thousand centuries

let me fall to my knees
and scream in sorrow
to the time i have lost
the minutes i am losing
to a life i am not happy leading
let my wounds be cauterized
in my banshee call
let my mind be mended
let my mending be minded

i have lost years of my life
to something out of my control
i have lost happy days
and fond memories
nostalgia is a word i have only ever read
i have set fire
to each day i leave behind me
ready for a new morning
for a new birth
to begin again
i have been the phoenix
rising from its ashes
every day of my life

i have broken my bones,
shattered them,
moulded them,
into someone new
each and every day

on weeknights and weekends,
i crawl into myself,
into the flaming field within my chest,
and let myself be set ablaze,
and when the night is through,
when the new day has dawned,
i sweep away the embers,
and plaster on a blistering smile.

i have reddened with fury,
burned in passion,
in grief,
in rage,
i have checked all the marks,
of the spectrum of emotion,
and kept it tucked in my chest,
behind the mask of fully functioning
behind the mask of just fine thanks
and no it’s just i’ve slept poorly

be gentle, they say,
be kind and kindly now,
i repeat it in my mind,
like a song stuck on a single loop,
and whisper it as I’m burning my skin off,
be gentle, be kind and kindly now,
but i am a towering flame,
built only to destroy,
to eat up every molecule,
and leave behind only a foul scent
lingering in the air
kindness is something i know
only in theory
a definition i’ve read,
a script i’ve memorized,
but never felt,
never understood

see the truth,
the truth is much uglier,
much fouler,
much more vicious
than any words could ever explain,
i am littered in scars and
covered with bad intentions,
bad coping mechanisms,
bad perspectives,
and a sorry personality

i am tired of hiding,
of running,
of screaming,
of crying,
of sorry sorry sorrys
for i am tired of apologizing
on who i am
and what i have done
and who i will never be again

i am tired of explaining,
of having something to explain,
of being inexplicable,
of burning and growing in the ashes

and i am fucking tired
of being tired

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2 thoughts on “scorched earth

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